It will never be the same

I am not ok.

These past days have been very trying.
I have tried to keep it together at work, so I don’t look like freak.
I have been trying to accept the fact that he is gone and nothing will be the same again.
I have been trying not to talk about it because people don’t understand.
I have been explaining to people why this hit me so damn hard, even though it was a “stranger” to me.
But more than anything I have been trying to tell myself that it will be alright.

To explain myself little further:

I think the main reason I am in pieces is not because he is dead. I would be sad if he died, I would feel pain if there was accident/disease…but I am shocked, in pain and so god damn angry that this was his choice. That he chose not to live with pain. That he chose to give up.

Many people I know suffer from depression. I suffer from depression. I know from a front seat how it feels to fight every day. I know very well what my medications are, I know very well how to handle it. Because I have been handling it for so long. I have been very close to killing myself. I will not lie.
On multiple occasions, I was convinced that was the best option for me. And in that moment I didn’t care that I had family/friends/pets/life. Nothing made sense anymore and the only thing I could focus on was to end it.

But I did not. Not because I am scared, not because I am strong. But because I know this can’t be it. There is more to come and I chose to wait for it little longer. I chose to wait for it every day. And I am not calling myself a hero and calling him a coward. I am just saying that there is a choice. And you might be very weak, but you don’t have to finish. You can wait for another day.

But he did not. He left us. He knew what will it cause, he watched it from the front row just couple months ago. Yet he went through with it.

And I am not ok with that.

Emo

This living of mine sucks. It goes up and down and back up again. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do.

I try to do my best. I do what makes me happy. I try to keep positive. And what's more, I police everyone to make sure they never feel alone. To make sure they are doing ok.

But these past couple days...who asked me how I was? Who made sure I was not alone? I don't know what else to do. It seems there is never time for my problems. Like they don't exist, or they are not as meaningful as others.

I don't want to be all emo, and "noone cares about me". But the truth is I am hurting. I am hurting more and more and there is no-one to help me out. Just me. Always me. 

Confidence

I stopped caring. In a good sense of that. Or I hope. In the past couple of weeks, I have grown. I have realized that i am the person who has to make myself happy and I have. But with this new realization I might have hurt people. But it is for their own good. For the greater good some would say. Oh well. 

I have been slacking with my life. Hidden in my fox hole, relaxing, not bothering myself with what must come. It did do me good. But now it's time to start living again. Get back to work. 

It's the new improved me. The more beautiful, the more leveled and more openminded me. We will make it. It will be fine. We are still young and beautiful and the world is our playground. 

I am sick

I am not normal. But noone is. The problem is that we are so lost in the world of TV and movies that we forget that every single one of us is an individual. We do not all behave the same way, we do not all work it out and there are no happy endings. Because life doesn't end after a scene. life keeps going and from the happy ending, it turns into a horror scene and so on. It just keeps going. 

But or society is trying to make us fit into that kind of molds. Get a boyfriend in high school/college, get married by 25, have kids by 30, have a good job, have a house, kick your kids out of the house and die. And if you don't want that, or have that you are a freak. Well, I am a freak. I think I am one of the biggest freaks out there because not only that I don't want that, I think it's insane. No wonder people hate each other. 

I just want to be happy. I have been saying this for almost 20 years now. I don't need money or stuff or envy...I just want to be happy. I want to look around and see happy people. I want to witness small acts of kindness everyday. I want people to be nice to each other. To care for each other and for nature and animals around them. I want people to stop and think and chose the right way. And for this reason, I am as fucked up as I can be because I will never get that. 

I will see the destruction of the humankind in front of my eyes, everyday hate and misery and I will be sitting there, with my hands tied slowly going mad. 

My heart bleeds when I see people buying useless shit

I cannot help it. It makes me suicidal. What is wrong with you all? Why do you need that plastic banner, that idiotic shirt you are going to wear once? Why do you need that plastic hat for one holiday? Why? Because it makes you look cool?

I don't know what is going to happen in the world. But I can't stop it. I am tired, exhausted by trying to make a change, by trying to educate people, by trying to stop some of it...but I cannot seem to be making any difference. I am suffocated by the stuff in all the cheap ass stores, by the wave of "disposable" items for everything...

My soul is bleeding, and there is no help in sight. 

I was hurt the whole time, I just didn't say anything...

It is surprising to me. Actually maybe is not. I try really hard to be there for everyone. Whenever someone calls, and even if they dont, I make sure to try to check up on them and see if they are doing good. 

But I have been doing pretty bad. Worse and worse everyday. And noone is there to check up on me. And when someone does it is a fleeting drive by of "Everything ok?" which is like a slap in a face. It just says: I am expecting you to be fine cause I don't have time for you otherwise..

Don't do that t people, it is not nice. Be kind, make time. Sometimes call first. Keep your word. Make them feel special. Because they might be fighting a battle you know nothing about. And maybe they need your help but are too weak to even say.

Can't be what you need me to be

I have worked very hard. I set my goals high and I plough through, not admitting defeat until I get there. That has been me most of my life. Truth is I never experienced failure. Yes, I failed many times, but it was never a complete failure, because I just kept trying until i got it right. I did not back down. I ruined relationships, I shed tears...

I had so many goals in my life...I wanted to be a veterinarian and save every animal on planet....I wanted to be a teacher and influence masses of students to make the world a better place..I wanted to be a journalist and influence the masses...I wanted to be a politician and steer the masses.. I just wanted to have influence and do some good in the world...so many road, never finished any of them...

The strange thing is, even though my interest shifted, the drive was always there. Need to get up, need to get better, need to achieve, be the best at what I do...

I met many people on my journey. Some of them became friends, some of them remained friends, some of them I loved and some of them I lost forever. But most of them thought of me as being special. being smart. Being an inspiration, someone to look up to.
Most of the time I believed them. I too thought I was special. That I had a mission to save the world in some way.

But as of late I feel like I am carrying this huge heavy weight of hopes and dreams. And these are not my dreams anymore. They are expectations from all the people I know, who expect me to be better still, achieve higher, succeed as I always do.

I am burned out. I need to take a ride on someone elses life for a change. Take a step back, relax, let other people deal with the world. Sit by a pool and drink couple margaritas.