Emo

This living of mine sucks. It goes up and down and back up again. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do.

I try to do my best. I do what makes me happy. I try to keep positive. And what's more, I police everyone to make sure they never feel alone. To make sure they are doing ok.

But these past couple days...who asked me how I was? Who made sure I was not alone? I don't know what else to do. It seems there is never time for my problems. Like they don't exist, or they are not as meaningful as others.

I don't want to be all emo, and "noone cares about me". But the truth is I am hurting. I am hurting more and more and there is no-one to help me out. Just me. Always me. 

Confidence

I stopped caring. In a good sense of that. Or I hope. In the past couple of weeks, I have grown. I have realized that i am the person who has to make myself happy and I have. But with this new realization I might have hurt people. But it is for their own good. For the greater good some would say. Oh well. 

I have been slacking with my life. Hidden in my fox hole, relaxing, not bothering myself with what must come. It did do me good. But now it's time to start living again. Get back to work. 

It's the new improved me. The more beautiful, the more leveled and more openminded me. We will make it. It will be fine. We are still young and beautiful and the world is our playground. 

I am sick

I am not normal. But noone is. The problem is that we are so lost in the world of TV and movies that we forget that every single one of us is an individual. We do not all behave the same way, we do not all work it out and there are no happy endings. Because life doesn't end after a scene. life keeps going and from the happy ending, it turns into a horror scene and so on. It just keeps going. 

But or society is trying to make us fit into that kind of molds. Get a boyfriend in high school/college, get married by 25, have kids by 30, have a good job, have a house, kick your kids out of the house and die. And if you don't want that, or have that you are a freak. Well, I am a freak. I think I am one of the biggest freaks out there because not only that I don't want that, I think it's insane. No wonder people hate each other. 

I just want to be happy. I have been saying this for almost 20 years now. I don't need money or stuff or envy...I just want to be happy. I want to look around and see happy people. I want to witness small acts of kindness everyday. I want people to be nice to each other. To care for each other and for nature and animals around them. I want people to stop and think and chose the right way. And for this reason, I am as fucked up as I can be because I will never get that. 

I will see the destruction of the humankind in front of my eyes, everyday hate and misery and I will be sitting there, with my hands tied slowly going mad. 

My heart bleeds when I see people buying useless shit

I cannot help it. It makes me suicidal. What is wrong with you all? Why do you need that plastic banner, that idiotic shirt you are going to wear once? Why do you need that plastic hat for one holiday? Why? Because it makes you look cool?

I don't know what is going to happen in the world. But I can't stop it. I am tired, exhausted by trying to make a change, by trying to educate people, by trying to stop some of it...but I cannot seem to be making any difference. I am suffocated by the stuff in all the cheap ass stores, by the wave of "disposable" items for everything...

My soul is bleeding, and there is no help in sight. 

I was hurt the whole time, I just didn't say anything...

It is surprising to me. Actually maybe is not. I try really hard to be there for everyone. Whenever someone calls, and even if they dont, I make sure to try to check up on them and see if they are doing good. 

But I have been doing pretty bad. Worse and worse everyday. And noone is there to check up on me. And when someone does it is a fleeting drive by of "Everything ok?" which is like a slap in a face. It just says: I am expecting you to be fine cause I don't have time for you otherwise..

Don't do that t people, it is not nice. Be kind, make time. Sometimes call first. Keep your word. Make them feel special. Because they might be fighting a battle you know nothing about. And maybe they need your help but are too weak to even say.

Can't be what you need me to be

I have worked very hard. I set my goals high and I plough through, not admitting defeat until I get there. That has been me most of my life. Truth is I never experienced failure. Yes, I failed many times, but it was never a complete failure, because I just kept trying until i got it right. I did not back down. I ruined relationships, I shed tears...

I had so many goals in my life...I wanted to be a veterinarian and save every animal on planet....I wanted to be a teacher and influence masses of students to make the world a better place..I wanted to be a journalist and influence the masses...I wanted to be a politician and steer the masses.. I just wanted to have influence and do some good in the world...so many road, never finished any of them...

The strange thing is, even though my interest shifted, the drive was always there. Need to get up, need to get better, need to achieve, be the best at what I do...

I met many people on my journey. Some of them became friends, some of them remained friends, some of them I loved and some of them I lost forever. But most of them thought of me as being special. being smart. Being an inspiration, someone to look up to.
Most of the time I believed them. I too thought I was special. That I had a mission to save the world in some way.

But as of late I feel like I am carrying this huge heavy weight of hopes and dreams. And these are not my dreams anymore. They are expectations from all the people I know, who expect me to be better still, achieve higher, succeed as I always do.

I am burned out. I need to take a ride on someone elses life for a change. Take a step back, relax, let other people deal with the world. Sit by a pool and drink couple margaritas. 

2015 summary, because they are fun to read years later

What a year 2015 was.

Spring:
Spring semester at Cornell was not all that bad. Yes it was stressful as always, but I was already in my tracks and knew my way around.
I fought some demons of the past, put misunderstandings behind me and again got in touch with a very important figure in my life.
I also dreamt about this research project I would like to do, which would be so cool. Oh little did I know how uncool it actually will be.
I carried out my project, planned it, got funding for it, got advisers for it, partnered with another school on it. I did it. To my own amazement I have actually succeeded.

Summer:
I went to Europe. For whole three months. Yes, I worked my ass off, had to keep my head down, had to play by rules. But in the end I got all I needed for my project, met with many people I can call somewhat my friends. I met with extremely smart people which blown my mind.
I have lost my precious mare to my own mistakes and I gave up on life.
I went to Romania.
Now Romania deserves a chapter in my book of life, even though I was only there for three weeks. It had forever changed me. It reignited the fire I had about changing the world. It sobered me, it showed me that nothing really matters in the end. It brought me talks about Africa. It was the smell of coffee. Romania with dirt roads and taste of wild Mirabelle Plums. Piece of my heart stayed in Romania and I will have to return there to pick it up,
I have also talked to my former demon and realized just how foolish I was. I was forced to travel through a wormhole at my sisters wedding.

Fall:
Fall semester went by so quickly. Like looking out the window of a fast train. Just blur of lab coats, lectures and jobs. Vet school applications were tough. Finishing my project was tough. Everything was tough. But at the end I realized that it is not everything. That some things dont matter as much.
I spend much time thinking about the past and future. What do I really want and how can I help the most. What is self sacrifice and what is good for me. I still dont know.
I have also taken one of the weirdest classes ever - intergroup dialogue - which made me hypersensitive to racism and other ways of oppression. I was forced to make peace with my privileges, because I was sure I didn't have any. But I did. Now I am just a little more aware and know that there is much I dont know.

Winter:
I returned to Czech. Enjoyed Christmas and hang out with bunch of friends. I made it my mission to reconnect with as many as possible. I needed to go back to my roots so I can keep regrowing and keep remembering why am I on this earth. People change and change their goals. But the main idea stays the same. I am here to make a change. And I will keep trying.


And what do I wish from 2016? Well that is fairly simple. I want to minimize my stress. Get a dog. Be more active and travel bunch. I want to keep exploring and being excited. I still want to stare wide eyed at all the opportunities one can have in their life. I want to find true love, I want to feel loved. I need that more than anything. Its one of those things we cannot fight for. And I wish I will make the right choices and will always try to follow my heart. 

Harry Potter and my crap

I love Harry Potter. There is doubt. I have read the books and watched the movies many many times. I love that it is honest, shows peoples flaws - the characters and the authors. It puts the greatest emphasis on friendship, love and believing in yourself.
But lately I have noticed that I have more in common with Harry, who is far from my favorite character. Even though I feel misunderstood and singled out, there is something even more fascinating: Harry living in two worlds which are so distinctly separate. I too live in two worlds and no matter how much I try to bridge them it is not going to happen.
In my American world, I worked my ass off to be where I am now. I have sacrificed a lot, sometimes even my mental health to get here. When I got into an Ivy league undergrad I was ecstatic, because it took a lot. People were so happy for me.
But in my European world, no one ever heard of this school, nor they knew what ivy league meant. Because it was not Harvard, it was just a school. And the same thing seems to happen now.
I got into an ivy league vet school. Big deal.
Actually it is a big deal. It took thousands of hours slaving away at jobs which didn't pay much, volunteering, spending breaks on projects. It took extreme stress to get my grades decent at one of the hardest schools in US. It took talking to many people, taking advice, holding back. But I did it. I am in. I am the envy of the hundreds and hundreds of people who did not get in. The other 97% which I surpassed.
But as ecstatic as I am, I don't meet the same enthusiasm in my European world. Yes, I get a pat on the back and good job..but do these people even know this was (until last year) the best veterinary school in the world? The credentials I would get if I graduated? I don't think so. They don't seem to appreciate how difficult it was.
And we are back to the awful Harry Potter in the fifth book, which was so pissed of and depressed by how others were treating him, he was complaining all the time. My two worlds are very separate, no matter what I do in US will ever translate in my home country. And that is just sad.