Separation

Its been a year...yesterday it has been an official year since I fell in love with this awesome guy. This year wasnt easy and I would never imagine that relationships are so hard. Truth is, that our situation is pretty difficult on its own - with me being a foreigner, with everyone asking me is I am dating him just for a green card, with us living over an hour apart, with me being so far away from my friends and family...all that and more did not help anything..But we made it.

Strange is, that for the first time in a year, it was yesterday when I really thought about going separate ways. Never before I gave it a thought. I have always thought it was my fault and was scared of loosing him to my inadequate security..but yesterday for the first time I thought that maybe he was right and this whole relationship is wrong. Maybe we do not belong. But how can I know?

I would give up anything just to make this work, and I have. I love him like I never thought is possible to love a person. But I am not sure anymore. He doesnt share with me. He shares with his friends. If I am doing something strange, doesnt question me, but runs to other people for support and than thinks I am crazy..He doesnt try to fit our lifes together, but tries to fit me into his life. And I am not sure I want that.

What can I do more? I am faithful, loyal, honest and upfront..I care..I am here...and  try to understand..but it is never enough...

Ocean

Once I was good friends with this interesting guy. We used to talk for hours and hours and it was hard. He didnt take any crap from me and he would tell me everything I wouldnt want to hear. And it would make me mad, I would kick and shout and be mean but he kept telling me the truth - That I am just a little girl, lost in her own ways and that when I am hurt I try to hurt everyone around...And because I am hurt a lot, I carry the pain into  every room I step in. It was hard listening to that, even more when I realized he was right. It was  weird and I felt like he can see through me.

But the most important thing he said to me was about relationships. He said that they are just like waves..That if you go all the way up, you will soon be all the way down. And I can see it now. And whats more. I can see that when the wave comes and you start moving up and down, it disturbs the peace. You start moving up and down faster and faster and you cant control it anymore. And then its time to get out of the water. So I did. I stepped away and I hope everything will calm itself.

But I am weak. It has not been even a day and I am sorry I did it. But the truth is - I know its not right. I know something is rotten here and I cannot fix it. On the other hand my biggest fear is, that he will tell me that I am right. Frankly, I do not know how I would survive that. I dont think I would.